At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
