is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
