You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The air was thick with penises
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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