It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
