He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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