Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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