He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
