I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
