i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
