I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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