Soap is not a condiment
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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