Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
