ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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