I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
