My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
