There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
