All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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