Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
