The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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