Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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