upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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