someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
