Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
