i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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