she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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