If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
