I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
