Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
