Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
