***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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