Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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