I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
