a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
