I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
