I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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