Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
