Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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