I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
