fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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