I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
