new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
