There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
