his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
