he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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