Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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