Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This beer is not sobering me up at all
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
