Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
