So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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