What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
