FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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