She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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