Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
