remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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