if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
